This is not easy.

I think it's amazing that no one ever talks about how hard it is to be a Mom.  Especially when your adding an additional child to your family.  In my case going from one child to two where my first child has been my absolute baby and world since he was born.  Now, suddenly, I have this second child, who I love just as much (it's amazing how your love multiplies) but suddenly my first child is annoying for the first time ever to me.  Scary and hard to admit.  But true. 
It all started at the hospital.  The first day of baby girls life.  I was a wreck!  Kallie didn't want to nurse, latch on properly, and I worked and worried myself to death with her, on top of no sleep and pain from a tubal and delivery.  The nurses in the nursery did not want us to release from the hospital because she wasn't eating well, but I was adamant about getting home the first day after delivery.  The hospital was so uncomfortable and I hated every minute of being there post delivery.  The nurses drove me nuts with their inconsistency, each one telling me a different way to nurse, then trying to do it for me, like that was going to help me be able to latch her on better.  Shear frustration for me.  And, I swear if another nurse touched my boob with out my permission, I was about to loose it on some people.  And, I did get pretty ugly with the nursery nurse that told me she wasn't going to release Kallie because she hadn't nursed at least twice without assistance.  I had so much going through my head.  I had a nine pound baby.  She was far from starving.  I am not a new Mother.  I've had a baby before, one that breast fed.  I'm not stupid.  I'm not going to let my baby go hungry.  I will give formula as needed to nourish her.  I felt so helpless and powerless with some nurse telling me I couldn't take my baby home.  Seriously?  So, I in a not so nice way, told that poor nurse all this.  She wasn't nice to start with.  But, she really rubbed me the wrong way. 
The hospital bed killed me.  There was no getting comfortable from my surgery pain or my delivery battle wounds.  There was no comfortable place or position to get in to nurse there.  That is why I wanted to go home so bad.  I knew when I got home in my own environment, in my plush rocker, we would do better nursing.  And, we did.  Imagine that.
So, the day after Kallie was born we were finally released fromthe hospital after the 7p.m. shift change when that witch of a nurse left and the new shift let us leave.  I felt like we were leaving prison when we left.  And, it was DARK and night time bringing out baby girl home.  Not what I had hoped for at all.  With Kaden we brought him home early afternoon and videoed the entire thing.  No camera at all this homecoming.  Poor baby girl.  No one at home to welcome us this time but the dogs. 
And then our new life as a family of four began.  Kaden was CRAZY about his baby sister, and still is.  He constantly needs to love on her and give her hugs and kisses.  It's really sweet.  But, he takes it to the extreme a lot just to get attention, then it's not sweet.  He immediately realized that he was going to have to compete for attention with me.  It was not / is not fun.  He will do anything.  Scream. Cry.  Make noise.  Yell out.  Back talk.  Say ugly things I never knew that he knew.  Just to get attention.  Bad attention.  Good attention.  He doesn't care if your coloring with him, reading a book, or yelling at him to stop it.  It's attention.  And that is what he wants. 
I'm sure this demand for attention wouldn't be so bad if I had a normal hormone level, sleep and didn't have a newborn baby who doesn't sleep at night or nurse properly.  Remember he was my baby.  My world.  And, now I felt/feel so guilty because the time with him is just not possible like it was.  I get irritated with him and yell out and then cry my head off because I know it isn't his fault and he doesn't understand this new life either.  Oh man!  It is hard! 
My body hurt so bad the first week post delivery and literally all I did was sit in my rocker with the baby trying so desperately to feed her.  It hurt like hell to breast feed for me.  I literally kick, scream and cry out every time she latched on it hurt so bad.  It didn't get better.  I made it to week four and decided my sanity was worth more than the pain, sleeplessness and moodiness.  And, now that we have formula feed for a full week, life is getting better.  I could write a book on how hard breastfeeding is and how bad it hurts and how no one ever tells you how bad it's gonna be.  Wow!
Well, I've done well.  I've set here for twenty minutes in silence typing this while both kids sleep.  And now she cries.  I'll get back to this later.
I'm back.  With a fussy baby in my lap and the circus blaring on the TV for Kaden.  I have been thrown up on, pooped on, and wiped snotty noses all day.  I just had to change into clean pajamas because the set I've been in for a full day are dirty from the above.  It's sad that I haven't had a bath in a couple days and when I put on these clean pj's the fabric softener smells so fresh and good to me.  That's bad.  If you know me well, you know that I hate sandwiches.  But, the last two days I have had two slices of bread with some ham on it, plain and dry about mid afternoon, and this has been my only meal or food for the entire day.  And, tomorrow is 5 weeks since delivery.  I am still struggling.  I've fixed my hair and worn make up one day in these 5 weeks, and that was only for a funeral for a friends Mom.  Otherwise, I haven't even made it out of my pj's or to the shower most days.  I am here alone everyday with the kids.  I spend the entire day feeding, holding, burping, rocking, trying to keep Kaden satisfied enough to get by.  My house is a wreck.  The laundry is piled up.  The floor isn't swept.  The bathrooms aren't clean.  The dishes are dirty.  The dogs feel abandoned.  And, I don't care.  But, the kids are fed.  The kids are napping and sleeping as much as they need.  The kids are growing.  The kids aren't worried about the house being a wreck or if I get a shower or food or sleep.  It doesn't bother them.  To top it all off, we are all sick or getting sick.  Kaden started with what I thought was an allergy fit of clear runny nose and sneezing all day Monday.  He was a WRECK all day Tuesday screaming, crying, whining, sick.  By Wednesday morning though he felt all better, you could just hear some congestion in his nose.  Then Wednesday Kallie woke up congested and sneezing and snotty.  It got better throughout the day and then worse again last night.  She is sick today.  I have a sore throat today and sneezing and the drainage is starting to form in the back of my throat.  It's not gonna be pretty or fun around here this weekend.  Why right now?
I would LOVE for someone to be sincere and intentional about helping me.  I would love for someone to come over and keep my kids for me so I could shower, get dressed, fix my hair, put on make up, drive to town and get lunch alone, and come home and nap for a few hours.  I can always dream.  And while they were here they would wash bottles and sweep the floor and cook some food.
I know now what to do for friends who have second, third and fourth babies.  God bless you past two babies, wow.  I can't imagine. 
I could sit here and go on and on about the crying I have done, or the times my feelings have been hurt, or the disappointment I've had in myself in my inability to mother two children in this first month with two.  It is hard.  The hardest thing I've ever experienced.  I am looking forward to better days. 

I did not write this for any reason but to document what it is truly like to be a Mom post partum.  The things no one ever talks about.  The ugly side.  It's not all baby snuggles and hugs and perfect family life.  It's just the opposite.  And, there is so much more I'd like to write about on this subject but I'm being called by my babies.