This is not easy.

I think it's amazing that no one ever talks about how hard it is to be a Mom.  Especially when your adding an additional child to your family.  In my case going from one child to two where my first child has been my absolute baby and world since he was born.  Now, suddenly, I have this second child, who I love just as much (it's amazing how your love multiplies) but suddenly my first child is annoying for the first time ever to me.  Scary and hard to admit.  But true. 
It all started at the hospital.  The first day of baby girls life.  I was a wreck!  Kallie didn't want to nurse, latch on properly, and I worked and worried myself to death with her, on top of no sleep and pain from a tubal and delivery.  The nurses in the nursery did not want us to release from the hospital because she wasn't eating well, but I was adamant about getting home the first day after delivery.  The hospital was so uncomfortable and I hated every minute of being there post delivery.  The nurses drove me nuts with their inconsistency, each one telling me a different way to nurse, then trying to do it for me, like that was going to help me be able to latch her on better.  Shear frustration for me.  And, I swear if another nurse touched my boob with out my permission, I was about to loose it on some people.  And, I did get pretty ugly with the nursery nurse that told me she wasn't going to release Kallie because she hadn't nursed at least twice without assistance.  I had so much going through my head.  I had a nine pound baby.  She was far from starving.  I am not a new Mother.  I've had a baby before, one that breast fed.  I'm not stupid.  I'm not going to let my baby go hungry.  I will give formula as needed to nourish her.  I felt so helpless and powerless with some nurse telling me I couldn't take my baby home.  Seriously?  So, I in a not so nice way, told that poor nurse all this.  She wasn't nice to start with.  But, she really rubbed me the wrong way. 
The hospital bed killed me.  There was no getting comfortable from my surgery pain or my delivery battle wounds.  There was no comfortable place or position to get in to nurse there.  That is why I wanted to go home so bad.  I knew when I got home in my own environment, in my plush rocker, we would do better nursing.  And, we did.  Imagine that.
So, the day after Kallie was born we were finally released fromthe hospital after the 7p.m. shift change when that witch of a nurse left and the new shift let us leave.  I felt like we were leaving prison when we left.  And, it was DARK and night time bringing out baby girl home.  Not what I had hoped for at all.  With Kaden we brought him home early afternoon and videoed the entire thing.  No camera at all this homecoming.  Poor baby girl.  No one at home to welcome us this time but the dogs. 
And then our new life as a family of four began.  Kaden was CRAZY about his baby sister, and still is.  He constantly needs to love on her and give her hugs and kisses.  It's really sweet.  But, he takes it to the extreme a lot just to get attention, then it's not sweet.  He immediately realized that he was going to have to compete for attention with me.  It was not / is not fun.  He will do anything.  Scream. Cry.  Make noise.  Yell out.  Back talk.  Say ugly things I never knew that he knew.  Just to get attention.  Bad attention.  Good attention.  He doesn't care if your coloring with him, reading a book, or yelling at him to stop it.  It's attention.  And that is what he wants. 
I'm sure this demand for attention wouldn't be so bad if I had a normal hormone level, sleep and didn't have a newborn baby who doesn't sleep at night or nurse properly.  Remember he was my baby.  My world.  And, now I felt/feel so guilty because the time with him is just not possible like it was.  I get irritated with him and yell out and then cry my head off because I know it isn't his fault and he doesn't understand this new life either.  Oh man!  It is hard! 
My body hurt so bad the first week post delivery and literally all I did was sit in my rocker with the baby trying so desperately to feed her.  It hurt like hell to breast feed for me.  I literally kick, scream and cry out every time she latched on it hurt so bad.  It didn't get better.  I made it to week four and decided my sanity was worth more than the pain, sleeplessness and moodiness.  And, now that we have formula feed for a full week, life is getting better.  I could write a book on how hard breastfeeding is and how bad it hurts and how no one ever tells you how bad it's gonna be.  Wow!
Well, I've done well.  I've set here for twenty minutes in silence typing this while both kids sleep.  And now she cries.  I'll get back to this later.
I'm back.  With a fussy baby in my lap and the circus blaring on the TV for Kaden.  I have been thrown up on, pooped on, and wiped snotty noses all day.  I just had to change into clean pajamas because the set I've been in for a full day are dirty from the above.  It's sad that I haven't had a bath in a couple days and when I put on these clean pj's the fabric softener smells so fresh and good to me.  That's bad.  If you know me well, you know that I hate sandwiches.  But, the last two days I have had two slices of bread with some ham on it, plain and dry about mid afternoon, and this has been my only meal or food for the entire day.  And, tomorrow is 5 weeks since delivery.  I am still struggling.  I've fixed my hair and worn make up one day in these 5 weeks, and that was only for a funeral for a friends Mom.  Otherwise, I haven't even made it out of my pj's or to the shower most days.  I am here alone everyday with the kids.  I spend the entire day feeding, holding, burping, rocking, trying to keep Kaden satisfied enough to get by.  My house is a wreck.  The laundry is piled up.  The floor isn't swept.  The bathrooms aren't clean.  The dishes are dirty.  The dogs feel abandoned.  And, I don't care.  But, the kids are fed.  The kids are napping and sleeping as much as they need.  The kids are growing.  The kids aren't worried about the house being a wreck or if I get a shower or food or sleep.  It doesn't bother them.  To top it all off, we are all sick or getting sick.  Kaden started with what I thought was an allergy fit of clear runny nose and sneezing all day Monday.  He was a WRECK all day Tuesday screaming, crying, whining, sick.  By Wednesday morning though he felt all better, you could just hear some congestion in his nose.  Then Wednesday Kallie woke up congested and sneezing and snotty.  It got better throughout the day and then worse again last night.  She is sick today.  I have a sore throat today and sneezing and the drainage is starting to form in the back of my throat.  It's not gonna be pretty or fun around here this weekend.  Why right now?
I would LOVE for someone to be sincere and intentional about helping me.  I would love for someone to come over and keep my kids for me so I could shower, get dressed, fix my hair, put on make up, drive to town and get lunch alone, and come home and nap for a few hours.  I can always dream.  And while they were here they would wash bottles and sweep the floor and cook some food.
I know now what to do for friends who have second, third and fourth babies.  God bless you past two babies, wow.  I can't imagine. 
I could sit here and go on and on about the crying I have done, or the times my feelings have been hurt, or the disappointment I've had in myself in my inability to mother two children in this first month with two.  It is hard.  The hardest thing I've ever experienced.  I am looking forward to better days. 

I did not write this for any reason but to document what it is truly like to be a Mom post partum.  The things no one ever talks about.  The ugly side.  It's not all baby snuggles and hugs and perfect family life.  It's just the opposite.  And, there is so much more I'd like to write about on this subject but I'm being called by my babies. 

Happy First Month Kallie Ann and Happy Three and a Half Kaden Angus

August 13th, at 3:04 p.m. Miss Kallie Ann turned one month old.  It's so hard to believe how fast a month goes by until you have a newborn.  In one way it seems like I just had her yesterday, in another like I haven't slept in a year!  She is totally worth it though.  She could not be any sweeter.  We love our baby girl.

How could you not LOVE this sweet thing?  So precious!  And, Big Brother is mighty proud of her too!  He can not get enough hugs and kisses from her.  He is always asking me if he can give baby sister some lovin'.  So sweet.  He adores her.

Just to show how little she is...

It took a LONG time for your naval to dry up and fall off, we didn't start getting real baths until into your third week.  It was worth the wait.  You LOVE your bath time.

I have a picture just like this of your brother at this age.

Only he was about a week younger in this picture.  Here's Kaden Angus in his bathtub Feb. 2009!

It's funny because we think they look a lot a like, but I am starting to see their own differences.  The male/female, masculine/femanine differences.  And, Kaden was just a fat baby (no other way to say it nicely) from day one.  Kallie is leaner than he was in her arms and legs.  Kaden was chunky all over.
I think it's fun to look back at their pictures at the same age and compare them to each other.

Kallie, you are so funny, you absolutely are the happiest and most content baby in the bath.  You think it is wonderful and feels so good.  You are so relaxed and just look around and take it all in.  You love to look in the mirror.  Then when we get you out of the tub, you are the complete opposite.  You scream your head off everytime we get you out of the tub.  You scream from the time I get you out and dry you off, through the baby lotion massage, through your diaper getting put on and your pajamas, until I pick you up and hold you.  The only thing good about all this stimulation is you have started sleeping well afterwards.  Just last night, you fell asleep right after your bath and sleep over three hours and it was time for you to eat when you got out of the bath.  Then when you woke up three hours later, you only took half your bottle and went back to sleep.  Momma's so shocked by the new, first time sleep at night time.  I pray it is a new pattern.  Ha!  I can always HOPE.

This is a picture of you a few days ago at four weeks old.  I finally put you in your little sister shirt for a picture, and Kaden in his big brother shirt for a picture with you.  We may try this again soon and see if it goes better.  This little sister shirt and skirt belonged to your cousin Jylien when she was a baby.  Jylien gives you lots of clothes, and we are so thnakful.

And, this is Kaden Angus at the same age...

That Kaden Angus was a chunk!  Wow!  Hard to remember him being such a big baby in comparison to sister.  Look at their faces though, so many similarities and so many differences.  Love looking at these comparison pictures.  And, thank goodness I have a better camera now.  Wish I would have had my nice camera then too.

So hard to believe that this sweet boy turned three and a half on August 2.

Kaden, at three and a half you are wearing size 5 clothes and going into 6's quickly.  You are wearing size 12 shoe and growing out of those quickly! 

He is looking so grown up since Kallie arrived.  Look at that RED hair ya'll!  We do not go anywhere that people do not comment and love his red hair.  He better get used to it, I have heard it my whole entire life every where I have been as well.  I am happy my kids inherited the red hair, it is nice to be different than everyone else.  Kaden is such a proud big brother, always asking to hold Sissy and always checking on her.

Big Brother and Little Sister at four weeks old. 

We love these two sweet babies to the moon and back.  Love my red headed babies!!!

Aren't they sweet?  And, don't they look alike?

I feel so bad that I haven't posted about my sweet new nephew yet.  Austin Jack was born on June 2, several weeks early.  He got to spend a couple weeks in the NICU with breakecardia episodes.  He finally got to come home, but had to wear an apnea monitor until just last week.  He is doing great now and growing like crazy.  They stopped by Sunday morning for a quick visit.  I snapped a few pictures of this sweet boy and his big brother, Lewis.

Isn't he sweet?  2 months old already and 12 pounds!

Here is our ATTEMPT to get a photo of the two babies together, it didnt work, Kallie was having none of it! 

These two are six weeks apart.  June 2 and July 13 birthdates.

Aren't they sweet though?  Tonya and I couldn't imagine what they would be like when we were pregnant together.  Lots more memories to come with these two.

This picture is funny.  Austin is like, "Could someone please take the crying baby off of me!"

Look at that face, Kallie, REALLY?  Is it that bad? 

Here's Tonya and her boy!  Doesn't she look great?

Kaden and Lewis got to be silly together for a few minutes.  We had taken Kaden to the circus the day before so he had a clown wig and nose!  These two boys are so proud to be big brothers!  What's crazy about this though, is that Lewis just turned 6, and is going into first grade, and Kaden just turned three and a half!  They are the same size!

Both these boys are crazy about Batman right now.

Silly Clowns!

We have some of the best times and worst times with Kaden right now.  Three and a half, or the 3's in general are very hard.  Two's were a piece of cake, three has been a monster.  The fit pitching, crying, whining, testing the waters to see how far he can push us, has not been fun.  At the same time, his imagination is amazing.  He plays so well and pretends to be something or somebody new every day.  He loves Batman, Superman, Spiderman, The circus, Toy Story and all the characters of the movie, The Lone Ranger, riding his bicycle with training wheels, fishing, riding his real horse, coloring, reading books, and going to the park.

Kaden knows and has known his ABC's for a long time.  Can count to 13.  Knows all his colors and most all shapes.  His vocabulary is amazing.  He talks just like a grown person and we can have full conversations with him.  He is sleeping in his own bed in his own room, finally, a HUGE accomplishment for him.  We are so proud of everything you do Kaden, you are so smart for your age.  You keep us laughing all the time with the things you say and do. 

Back to Miss Priss and her One Month Birthday, this is my attempt at pictures once again!

She has started holding her hands together like this the last two days like she is praying, so sweet!

You can see she is grwoing and changing quickly this week.  And, this is what I get QUICKLY when trying to take her picture.

It's hard to prop up a newborn!

One Month Sticker Picture Take 1-Failed, Crying!

So, some time back during my pregnancy I entered a giveaway on another blog.  I won a 12 month set of watch me grow monthly stickers.  These are the neatest thing!  They are printed stickers that you just peel and stick to a onesie or their outfit and take their monthly picture.  Obviously, easier said than done, but here are my MANY attempts at her ONE MONTH picture today. 

You can get your own WATCHMEGROW Stickers right here.

These ladies have a blog right here.

I LOVE these stickers!  I ordered Baby Austin a set of the monthly stickers that are monthly ties!  So cute!

TAKE 2- "Oh Mommy!  You want a picture of me?"

Take 3- Fussy!

Take 4- Peeking...Little Turkey!

Take 5- Sleeping...

Take 6- Mad, again!

Take 7- Mommy is giving up!

Take 8- FINALLY!  A LOOKING BABY!!!

Take 9- This is as good as it gets!

Kallie, at one month you are:

-In size 1 diapers

-In Newborn Clothing still

-Eating formula bottles 3.5 ozs every 3-4 hours around the clock

-Napping for 2 hours at a time around the clock

-Keeping Mommy awake all night every night, you wake up at 11 p.m. and usually won't fall asleep until after 2 a.m.

-You have started to LOOK around and explore your world and stay awake longer the last two days.

-You are an easy baby, except at night! Ha!

-Your eyes are still that deep blue color that keeps us wondering if you'll be brown eyed or blue.

-Your hair is red, you just don't have much of it, but it GLOWS in the sun.

-You are LOVED very much by your brother, Momma and Daddy.

Just for fun...Here's Kaden at ONE MONTH!

Weeks Two and Three with Kallie

Week Two was no easier than week one, actually it was harder on me because of breastfeeding issues.  My sweet girl has a shallow latch and after working with two lactation consultants, I decided well into her third week to wean off the breastfeeding and start formula feeding.  This is certainly not something I wanted to do, or expected to do this time, so it was a hard decision for me, and one I feel guilty for.  But, I had to do what is best for us.  And, for her to get full and continue gaining weight, and sleep, and for me to be able to have a break from doing anything but feeding, and get some rest myself makes it all worth it.  Sanity is a must at this point.  So, we are slowly running out of breast milk and getting more and more formula bottles this third week.
As of this past Friday, Kallie's three week birthday, I felt a little more confident that things may one day return to normal, I began to see light at the end of the tunnel. 

I know this picture is far from glorious of me, but this is real life.  And, this is what a Momma looks like two weeks post delivery with the second baby.  Uncle Keith finally got to meet Kallie at 2 weeks old.  He is a little proud of her.

Lance was napping in the chair with Kallie and Kaden had to get in on the picture, he is fake sleeping here!  :)

My pretty girl at two weeks old.

Kallie:

At two weeks old you still fit your newborn size clothes really well, but we went ahead switched you into your size 1 diapers, they are big, but the newborns were getting snug. 

I am so happy you got to wear newborn diapers for two weeks, because Kaden never saw them!

You wake up pretty much just long enough to eat and get changed and maybe look around for a few minutes before falling back asleep until your next feeding.  You eat every three hours around the clock, and you get very mad at the three hour mark if your meal is not presented promptly.  We have introduced you to your pacifier this week.  You are not crazy about it, but will occasionally tolerate it for a few minutes when your really hungry or mad.

You have long skinny arms and legs, which are just opposite of your brother, who was all chunky.

This is the cooperation I get when trying to take Newborn pictures.  Thank goodness we spent LOTS of money on a professional photographer to get newborn portraits made.  We took you at one week old exactly to have your newborn photo shoot.  It took almost four hours!  We went back the other day to pick out your pictures.  They are absolutely beautiful and I can not wait to get my hands on them!  It will be a couple more weeks and we only had to almost take out a loan to pay for them.  But, we have no doubt it will be worth every penny, and we also have no doubt that we will be spending that much money several times during your life for pictures.  I will post the professional pictures here as soon as I get my hands on them!

And, then we move on to your three week birthday... 

Kallie:

At Three Weeks, you are:

Still comfortably fitting into your newborn clothing.

Wearing a size 1 diaper.

Eating every three hours either 3 ozs of formula or nursing still.

Starting to stay awake and look around a little longer than last week.

We can really see that you are growing and changing this week.

You try so hard to hold your head up all alone.

You have the sweetest, most pitiful cry.

Daddy and I still think you look a lot like your brother at this point.

Your hair is looking more and more red everyday, especially in the sunlight.

We can not imagine life with out you baby girl!

Momma calls you Sister Baby.

Kaden and Daddy call you Baby Sister or Baby Girl.

Watching TV with Bubba already! 

Two sweet babies!

Big brother is never far from his sister.  He always wants to help me get a diaper or wipe or throw a diaper away, or put pacifier back in her mouth, or give her lovin, or talk or sing to her.  He is crazy about his sissy, he checks on her a million times a day.  He is a good helper and wants to be in all the pictures, like the one below.

We are growing right along, and moving into week four with baby girl soon!

Week One with Kallie Ann

Truly, I never imagined I could feel so behind on things as I do now.  But, finally, my baby girl is three weeks old today and I am getting around to her FIRST week post here on the blog.
Life with baby girl is great.  She is a good baby, except for her preference to sleep all day and stay awake all night, which has left Mommy exhausted!
The first week was very hard.  I had no idea my body could hurt so bad and have so many issues all at once.  The tubal really left me sore and in pain for several days which I did not expect for some reason, plus I had some internal stitches from delivery, and severe hemorrhoids.  I know that's too much information, but it is true and I want baby girl to know one days just what I suffered to get her here!  Ha!  On top of that, she had issues latching to breast feed and I had to pump a lot and supplement her with formula bottles.   From Friday the 13th (her birth date) to Monday the 16th, she went from 9 pounds 2 ounces at birth to 8 pounds 4 ounces three days later.  It was a ruff first week of waking her every three hours and making sure she ate enough so she wouldn't loose anymore weigh, but start to gain.  We went back on Wednesday the 18th, two days later, and she was up to 8 pounds, 7 ounces.  Then, on Friday the 27th we went for her 2 week well visit and she weighed 8 pounds, 11 ounces.  At that appointment we started acid reflux medicine for her fussiness, gassiness, gagging, and spitting up.  We went back for a weight check on Monday the 29th and she weighed 8 pounds, 14 ounces.  So, she is slowly but surely gaining back to her birth weight.  And, I bet if I had a scale today on her 3 week birthday, I bet shes pretty close to her birth weight. 

 My Mom finished the bows for Kallie's wall, I think her room looks adorable!  She loves to look around in there. 

This picture was taken on Saturday, July 14th, at one day old in the hospital.

She wore this Little Sister Onesie home that Kaden picked out for her.

If you notice all the redness and hemorrhaging in her eyes, bless her heart, it's bruising from being born too fast.  I was hurting her and she was hurting me on her way out to this big world.

Also, on her right eyelid it is really red, I thought that was a bruise as well, but it hasn't went away at three weeks and the pediatrician says its a birth mark. 

Ok, I take that back, she didn't wear the onesie home from the hospital, but she wore it all day her first day, she wore this other onesie and pink pants home.

We didn't get to leave the hospital until dark that evening, LONG story, but the nursery was not wanting us to leave because she was not nursing well.

This was as soon as we arrived home.  Kaden had to welcome baby sister home with some lovin!

Big Brother Loves Holding his baby!

Lots of time in the bassinet the first week.  And, bless her heart, you can see her bruised up face from delivery.  She also wore the mittens the first week because she has some serious cat scratching fingernails.  And when she is mad she tares her face up with the fingernails.

Daddy took this picture of his two babies laying on our bed.  Doesn't Kaden look HUGE?

I love newborns!  She can curl up in all these crazy tight positions just like she was in my belly.

I have so many pictures of Kaden asleep on Lance in the recliner.  Looks like I'll have just as many with Kallie.  They love to sleep on Daddy's chest.  The snoring doesn't seem to bother either child the way it bothers me!

Babies are not easy to photograph!  These are my attempts of getting pictures of cute outfits at just a couple days old...

I don't know about ya'll, but I always remember who gave us what outfit with my kids.

The necklace onsie, pink socks and matching bow came from Marsha, and the denim skirt from her Aunt Tonya, that denim skirt has ruffles on the back, so cute!!!

I bought one of these flower headbands in every color off ebay for a steal!  Kaden LOVES them, he says she looks like a FLOWER!  He picked out this onesie that says Pretty as a Daisy.  My Mom bought her the sweet pull on pants she wears with her onesies.

Kaden bought Kallie these sweet bear house shoes.  He picks out the sweetest things for her.

He loves to love on sister even when she doesn't like it so much.

And, here's Miss Kallie Ann at one week old! 

More to come soon...